Somethin' Funny I Heard!

[Lanascountry]

This is just a place to tell a good clean funny story, tale or yarn...

A family member sent me this one, and I wanted to share it with
you.

LIFE IN THE 1500'S-
See if you can figure out some of these saying (or traditions) before you
get to the end of the paragraph! :D

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
and still smelled pretty good by June . However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then
the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the
water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other things could mess up
your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some
protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence
the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you
opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entranceway.

Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, ain't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there
for quite a while.
(YUCK) :(
Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and

chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, caus ing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so,

tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and

guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on
the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found t o have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist
of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie
it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveya rd all night (the
graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by
the bell or was considered a ...

dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[DealsHQ]

LOL --nice i liked it.

[mj-trading]

Dodge City

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swinging doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

'OK' he said, re-entering the crowded bar 'I'm gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City.'

With that, several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

'Excuse me stranger' he said, 'but what happened in Dodge City?'

The cowboy replied: 'I had to walk home!'

[Lanascountry]

I LOVE that one Mr J!! :D

[mj-trading]

Check the one in your email i sent! Didn't think i better put it on here! But it might be ok

[Lanascountry]

I got that and a good one, J..LOL that picture was tricky weren't it??:D

[Lanascountry]

This one is NOT funny, but wonderful by ANDY ROONEY.

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE

If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective.

The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis:

They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

[mj-trading]

You like that Andy Lana?

[DealsHQ]

Good post --Thanks

[Lanascountry]

NOT everything, J, but I like this post!! How are you all doing today? I miss yah!! :D

[mj-trading]

Were doing! Got 4 things to list then i'm caught up till ?

[Lanascountry]

Gonna sell some Cell phones, Huh?? :D

[mj-trading]

About the only thing that has been selling during these times

[Lanascountry]

Seems about everyone has one but me, Mr. J..cause I don't hear well.. I hope you sell
a ton of 'em!! :D

[Lanascountry]

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She
opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person
looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one. So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.
"You dummy -- that's ME"! (one word edited) :D

Credited to>>jokes2go

[mj-trading]

KAT There is your Blonde joke!:rolleyes:

[Lanascountry]

LOTS of blondes here, I think Mr J..although mine is looking
sort of 'platinum white' :D

[Lanascountry]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/70-puppy.gif

Help Wanted
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it
for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and
walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog
went off to the word processor and returned a minute later
with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position.
You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/70-puppy.gif

[Lanascountry]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/STRINGROSES.gif
This is wonderful..sent to me in email by Kat..Thank you!;)

Subject: : You are one of my balloons!
You are one of my balloons!
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.So, love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.

If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back.
So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.
Send this to all your friends.
Send this balloon to everybody you like.
Send a lot of little balloons to your friends!!!

[unclejunk1]

Great post Lana, I just have a hard time believing that crotchety old man came up with all these jewels. Speaking of jewels, how about Lana! Who but Lana would have been able to build this community through patience and perservence?

[unclejunk1]

Now how did that happen, I thought I was on the Andy thread! I guess my hair turned blonde.

[Lanascountry]

Thank you so much, Mr. Rick!!
Are U a blonde too? did yah know MOST of the ladies here
are blondes..? (maybe a few white/platinums like me) :D
I needed that bit of kindness so much today, Rick..Thank you so much.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/puppy-bu-fly.gif

[unclejunk1]

My wife is a platinum blonde with dark eyebrows. Cuter than a speckeled pup. Will not let her dye those threads of platinum.

[unclejunk1]

Someone told Britney Spears about a dead bird as they were walking along the sidewalk. She looked up and said where?

[Lanascountry]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/BRAVO.gif

I love that..read my post above about the TWO blondes!! :D

[unclejunk1]

Thats good but the dog joke was the best!

[unclejunk1]

I will do this one and then I must go! I bet you heard about the blonde driving down the road and saw another blonde out in the middle of a field rowing a boat. Yea, the blonde in the car yelled out to her to stop. She said you are making all of us blondes look stupid. She then went on to say she would come out there and kick her tail if she was not afraid of drowning.

[Lanascountry]

LOL, you KNOW how I love dogs, Rick..I think mine is 'bout that smart!! :D

[unclejunk1]

Don't we all! Mine speaks without saying a word. When you think about it, dogs are smarter than us. Who picks up after them, who gets fed and watered? Who else gets what they want without saying a word? Mine has to be pushed from my side of the bed so I can get in. She weighs six pounds and takes up more room. I have to carry her around, never the other way around. Pouts when I don't take her with me and try's her best to scratch throught the car window when we pass a Mc Donalds. I cannot eat them but she loves the double cheeseburger. Spoiled is not a word used here. I will admit she is smarter than me!

[unclejunk1]

I have to go - later!

[angelsolutions]

Lana, you are my sunshine, girlfriend!

Can I be a honorary blonde? :D I'm a brunette, but it's more salt than pepper these days. :(

sylvia

[Lanascountry]

Ahhhh Sylvie..Thank you..yous mine also!!
BTW.. I ALWAYS thought you had very long blonde hair!!! :D

[Lanascountry]

Here is another sent by Ms Kat..and a GOOD one..be SURE to read all the way
down to the bottom!! (thanks Kat!)
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/BRAVO.gif


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help
him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[angelsolutions]

In honor of Ms. Lana thinking I had long blonde hair... ;) :D

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind . Today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME
last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Hellloooo? It's been a year! (I told him.)

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up.... He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

:eek:

[Lanascountry]

CAMPING
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked,Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"NO, Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!":p

[Lanascountry]

Requires no explanation, just watch the gentleman on the left side! :D


http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/ATT1-SM.gif

[unclejunk1]

Classic example of a Dunlop Disorder. His belly has done lopped over the belt line!:D Or maybe it is Furniture disease. Chest fell into his drawers. This one deserves a new one like Table phobia or maybe Boobitis:eek:

[Lanascountry]

Funny thing about that Rick was that might be a actual (unplanned) video..well maybe
not, but have sure seen guys do that!! :D

How are you today, BTW?

[unclejunk1]

I bet I have been guilty more than I want to admit. Im good Lana, how is your health? You mentioned not feeling so good a day or two ago. They are pushing Coral Calcium and Vit. D like is was a wonder drug or something, guess you have seen that. My Doctor moved to Greenwood ( The old drug dealer.):D

[Lanascountry]

Oh I am alright, Hon..just beginning to feel my age a bit..I be 60 next month.
(I am proud of my age) I have paid in to SS 43 YEARS!! :eek::D I have some physical
ailments that I reckon no worse than anybody else has! :):p

[Lanascountry]

:DYou remember several years ago they was pushing 'shark cartilage' on
use older folk? ! :D

[unclejunk1]

There is always some kind of snake oil out there. There are also some things that work for some and not others. The vit. D thing right now is a scam. Several years ago they lowered the level of potency so low in D that you cannot get any good from it anymore. Money is the root of all evil they say.

[Lanascountry]

LOL, I think as far as Vit. D and lots of other Vitamin/minerals go..good fresh lower fat
milk and sunshine are the best..JMO, though..:D

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/70-puppy.gif
(Puppies are nice too!) :D

[unclejunk1]

You are right about the Vit. D - you get more from sunsihine than the suppliment. Problem with some other things is that we have depleted our soil and just eating wholesome foods now do not do as much for us as it did our parents and grandparents, I think that is one reason besides the chemicals that we get sick more often.

[Lanascountry]

I soooo agree with that Rick..the soil is shot and who knows who/how/where
things are raised. You know I often think about how MUCH (my/our) grandparents ate..
(were NOT fat!) :eek:
Guess what (you know) they grew or raised about everything they put in their mouths..!
They ate no 'JUNK' unless again made at home with healthful ingredients.. I got to thinking
the other day what Grandmama and Papa might have have bought at the store...well I
know Papa had a chaw (tobacco) The Watkins man delivered any spice Gma did not
grow..I reckon she must have bought a bit of coffee, tea, salt, flour. I thought sugar but
I remember when I was small Papa always grew cane..reckon some of you know what
that is? I don't remember a lot of 'CLEANING stuff' and paper product..used CLOTHE!
and the cleaning products was baking soda, washin 'powders' and ajax.. :D (I know
they bought 'tissues' )..
You know why they wasn't fat? LOL, they WORKED from 5:00 AM(after Pa got the animals
fed) and gran fixed 6-8 course breakfast..until 6:00 PM (or later in the summer). Everyday!
At 'lunch' gran might have 10-12 things on the table..all fresh and AMAZING! ALWAYS
1 or 2 desserts. always fruits..tons of vegs..and yep seasoned!

They did NOT do the kind of work we do today..they WORKED! :eek:
and they wasn't fat!! :D

[unclejunk1]

Fat! Don't tell me that this fast food is not good for us now!:D Between the chemicals in the food and the drugs prescribed to us, it is a wonder any of us are alive!:mad: I joked about my doctor moving the other day but he was one of the few that would actually tell you the truth so yes he will be missed. He admitted that he got most of his information from Drug Reps since going into private practice. They do have the New England Journal and they can study on their own but how many will? The FDA has really let us down. We pay them to do a job - not just sit back and accept what the Drug companies throw at them. We no longer can depend on the Congress because they have access to insider trading info by being a Congressman or woman. They know in advance when a new drug is being released and can buy more stock based on that info. We would be locked up for that! Look at Martha Stewart.:rolleyes: We are so busy just trying to survive that we don't even get involved so is it any wonder thngs are as they are? I am watching a Senator from this state that is as bad if not worse than Jessie Helms on his way to relection. People don't look at the whole picture. This guy is so cocky it makes me sick but I am only one person with only one vote. How do you change the majority, or is it a question of changing the political machine that is driving the elections. We need to have a better handle on our food, drugs and government. The Medical field as a whole needs help in a major way. We really need to look at what Europe is doing and take the best of it and the best of our system and make changes. We can live better and longer if we go back to some of the older ways and cut out as many artificial drugs as possible. Cut out fast food - make it a law. Control the Drug companies instead of letting them control us!:p Whew! My soapbox is starting to sway. Better get off before I fall and have to see a Doctor!

[Lanascountry]

Rick...I thought about somethin today at work..you know my papa had a gas
tank for his car and tractor?? Reckon how they did that back in them days? I supect
he prolly had it since before WW2! Wouldn't that be neat to have your own gas pump?:D
The epa would go NUTZ!!

[unclejunk1]

He must have been a farmer. Farmers are allowed a pump without highway tax.

[Lanascountry]

Rick I been tellin you this because..they BOUGHT almost NOTHING!
(from stores)!
Wonder how/and when they got that gas pump/tank filled up?? :D

HOW did folks survive so WELL in this nation for HUNDREDS of years without
all this STUFF we have to have?:eek::D

You know who (MOSTLY) survived the depression of '29? The farmers of America
living on (paid for) family owned land!!

I asked my Daddy if they were ever hungry..? He said NOPE, I can remember a few
times when there was only fresh biscuits, gravy, syrup, and homemade preserves
at one meal(of 3!) .but hungry..NOPE.. (they actually don't sound too bad to me, but then that
was Grandmama's biscuit..NEVER ever had another anywhere like hers)! :D

[unclejunk1]

A good ole biscuit sure would be good right about now! My grandpa had a fuel drum but not a pump. It was about 6 feet off the ground so gravity replaced the pump. He only had a Farmal Cub and only 65 acres, small by most standards but raised 11 kids. They raised what they ate, cut cross ties for the railroad and of all things during the 30's shipped rabbits to New York. I thought it was a big lie for years but later found that what I am about to tell you was the truth. They killed the rabbits with clubs and put into barrells, carried by truck to the Depot where they shipped to N.Y. When I was a kid there were rabbits but not that plentiful and killing with a stick? Come on! Turns out they were very plentiful at the time and winters were more severe so yes they were able to chase them down in the snow and club them.

Both my grandparents lived into their eighties. My parents into their mid sixties. Tell you something? Environment makes a huge difference.

[Lanascountry]

What state did you grow up in Rick? See I grew up in Alabame..and the
little town where I grew up, MOST everyone (in the 50's) were farmers or lived on
farms. Mama & Daddy moved in to town when the oldest two were babies. I spent
a great deal of time, many summers at Grandma & Papa's house. My granparents
lived to be 87..(both) Mama has passed and Daddy is 87 now, a strong and energetic
person..They moved back to the country after he/ma raised all of us. :)

[unclejunk1]

Lived in North Carolina most of my life. The family name goes back to the early 1700's there. Work took me around the country quite a bit but still have property there. Still hanging on to my parents house there to. The old plantation is underwater now Sandy Creek Lake covers it. Which is where Col. David Fanning killed one of my ancesters three years after the Revolution ended. Fanning swore he would kill anyone that that helped the American side. My great, great ,great grandpappy had two sons serve and he contributed money to the cause. Fanning became famous but not my relatives. Now on my mom's side, well thats another story! I never saw my Grandfather more than three times. He lived in Statesville and had an apple orchard and farm near North Wilkesboro,NC. He made liquor on the farm and sold it in Statesville. Mom did not approve! Her Grandfather lived in Bear Creek, NC and had 19 children by three wives. Had to raise the farm hands back then.:D It is funny how the two families crossed path's along the way. North Wilkesboro's streets were layed out by one of my ancesters on Dad's side. You know how most old towns are, the streets were nothing more than peddler's paths - crooked as a snake. N. Wilkesboro is layed out in square block's like a city. Just unheard of in those backwoods at the time. One street is in our family name. We have a family history book that is about 4" thick. The name dates back as early as I could find to 545 AD Rome. It changed many times in spelling through the years. The Early english form was Trough - (Furrow)- "Farmer"! We do have a coat of arms but who knows if it is real! Well that is enough about us, nothing notable in over 100 years.:rolleyes:

[unclejunk1]

Ok what did the little boy say when ask what church he went to? answer - Were Blabtist

[Lanascountry]

Speeding Ticket

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

[unclejunk1]

True! You know how some people will say what do you know when they see you again after a while?

Yesterday, I saw a fellow named Albert that I not seen in a while. He say's what do you know? Me - nothing - not a thing, what do you know? Albert - To much, I know so much my head hurts.:D

[Lanascountry]

I know some of you have already read this..but it is so good!!
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/BRAVO.gif

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Thing s I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs; A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith &Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few. Save the earth, it's the
only planet with chocolate.http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/thud.gif

[Lanascountry]

This one does not need any explaining! :rolleyes:

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/ATT1-1.jpg

[unclejunk1]

I want one! I know a Senator I want to hand deliver it to. Of course I will call the media on the way! Thats funny but true!

[Lanascountry]

Going give him the BOTTOM row, Rick?? :D BTW, how are you & family doing?
JB & I decided to waste some gas and drive to Hiawassee to eat dinner..(wound up all
over Unicoi SP and even Helen. We did not take our pup for the first time and left her with
all her comforts and toys about 4 hrs..she was a bit annoyed at us!! Meal was real good
and we needed that time away. You all ever been to Daniel's in Hiawassee, Ga,? Rick?
(Northeast side almost N.Carolina).
Good country food! (LOTS of it). I could only eat a little because my stomach has gotten
pretty bad! :(

[unclejunk1]

We have been in the area but not much. Never eaten at that one but sounds good. Stomach problems are tough. The double decker, might be better to just put it on a trailer and drive it around on election day.:D Might make some people think before they vote. We took our little one to Pickens Wednesday, more people know that dog by name than us. She just eats up the attention.

[Lanascountry]

Our 17 years old dachshund mix (has passed now) adored the attention also, but law this
one DEMANDS it..she does not cry for it..she'll nip you if need be..she is sweet not
mean though..JB fusses and she has him wrapped around her little fing.....er --PAW!!:D

Had my last tooth that needed it --fixed this AM and law all paid for..NOW to get JB's
dentures..(IF he will let US get it done!) :rolleyes:

How is Ms Dona today?

Rick..help me keep up with helping folk, (when/if you can) as I am weekend duty at the
store again!) :p

Have a blessed weekend everyone!

[unclejunk1]

I don't how much I can do but will try. Problem is we are going to be gone a good portion of tomorrow. Should be back by late afternoon

[Lanascountry]

Hope yal have a great/fun day. Go over to Hiawasee sometime and try that restaurant?

[unclejunk1]

Well I got an email from ebay a little earlier, seems they have some seller incentives for me. They must be missing my money. Nah, it was probably sent to everyone.:D

[Lanascountry]

:D Yal are prolly like us, we get them all the time..they don't encourage us
or make us want to sell there..Just make us nauseous! :eek: (at their ongoing GREED)!

[unclejunk1]

Anyone checked out Skype yet? An online phone service. They claim it is free between members but charge a fee to call regular phones. Just curious if it is something that might benefit folks on the site. Example, webidz members that wanted to ask questions by phone would be able to do it free. If I understand it correctly you download their program and use a portable phone or headset to talk. You are able to invite contacts to download and use it to talk to you or anyone with it. So is there an application here for that ? Does not replace you regular phone - for online use mostly. So no 911 calls.

[Lanascountry]

Only thing I know about them, Rick..is ebay spent like 6 BILLION dollars
to get them as part of their 'group' and it has been awful..But THAT
is the EBAY way ..huh !! :D

[unclejunk1]

That does not sound so good! I have not downloaded it but just wondered if anyone here has. And if they have does it work? I do use magicjack, has some downsides but overall not bad. Magicjack does have a fee. Skype they say is free. Yea wondering!

[Lanascountry]

I KNOW GREED-Bay is gonna try to recoup some of that loss
somewhere,,I'm pretty sure NOT free OFF ebay.. Let me know OK? :confused:

U know what? They can NOT even blame DONNA-WHO(?) for that one! :D

[unclejunk1]

Since you have Broadband you might want to look at magicjack and see if it is something you would like. Down side is you would not have a local number, I use an Atlanta number. Does you no good if you turn off your computer. Upside cost! $20.00 per year with unlimited local and long distance calls in North America. Equipment cost is $20.00 - one time cost. We recouped it the first month. If you make a lot of long distance calls or want to it is worth looking at..You can keep your regular phone to take local calls and number if you don't want to lose that. 911 is not a problem in any case magicjack provides 911 service plus your local service like AT&T is required by law to provide 911 service even if you don't use their service. Pick up a disconnected phone and you can still call 911. They don't want you to know that.

[unclejunk1]

Any new jokes? Mine are so old they have grown whiskers.

[Lanascountry]

Heres you a joke...:D I have a BIG birthday comin..think I will ask JB
to buy me one of those cell phones with the internet (you can get) on it!!
Then I will be on THREE computers! :D Who has those type phones? I bet the
younger folk here know! (I bet Mr John knows also!)
Wonder how much the internet fee? :confused:

[unclejunk1]

I was ask this afternoon if I had heard about the Governors Mansion in Alabama burning. Of course I said no. Yes he said - burned right down to the axles.

Now you can pick whatever State you choose, Kentucky, W. Virginia, SC, Ga or what comes to mind.

[jtsspecialties]

I would post a joke or 3 but you know us Truckers not a clean joke among us. HEHEHEHEHE:D

[katandron1]

Heres you a joke...:D I have a BIG birthday comin..think I will ask JB
to buy me one of those cell phones with the internet (you can get) on it!!
Then I will be on THREE computers! :D Who has those type phones? I bet the
younger folk here know! (I bet Mr John knows also!)
Wonder how much the internet fee? :confused:
Depends on what type phone you have and the rates of your cell phone provider.
Ron's Blackberry phone is $30 per month just for his internet capabilities.
But we also have another phone with internet (a Razor) and it is only $15 a month, because the phone itself does not have the capabilities of a Blackberry phone. Our cell phone provider is AT&T.
Not sure I would even WANT to be on 3 comps.
LOL jt......my dad and grandpa was truckers, Ron is a trucker part time.
Yes I know all about those jokes yall pass around.

[jtsspecialties]

I was long haul for 6 years now I run Local for FedEx the last 2 years. I got tired of being away from home 28 days a month and home for 4 days. With FedEx I work 5 nights a week, Home every night, Week ends and holidays off can't complain to much about that.

The Jokes we past around just aren't the kind for the Forums:D

[katandron1]

Ron drove for a couple of years. He still maintains his CDL mainly because the work he does now, he needs it.
He drives a testing/processor semi from job local to job local. Once on location, he helps assemble and run testing/processing on substation transformers of all kinds.
He is gone for 3 weeks at a time and home for a week. He text messages me with many jokes that the guys "come up with" on location. LOL and they are not for the community forums either.
Just imagine what comes over my phone, provided by 4-5 guys on a crew that have not seen home in 3 weeks, and living out of motels :D

[jtsspecialties]

Oh I can imagine your phone get smokin HEHEHEHEHE. I know my wife sent me some pretty good stuff in my email. The fun Part was when I set up a live Dashboard feed for the kids to see what state I was driving through.

The kids loved that speaking of which I have to get dinner started before they eat the dogs. Chat with y'all L8tr

[katandron1]

I got 4 new chiuahua puppies they can have. LOL Just kidding, no one shoot me.

[jtsspecialties]

Hey Kathy real quick question for ya. I have smiley central on my puter can i use those on the forums? they are cute/funny/cool nothing vulgar.:confused:

[katandron1]

Not sure.......guessin its about the same as pics......and lana has tons of smileys....she can best answer this one for ya.

[Lanascountry]

Just me here..Kat prolly knows more about that than I do..:D
JT'..I sure would LOVE to have some new smilies like this>>(below)
I am not gonna try to catch up on all the thread..!! :)

Kat thank YOU for the phone info!! LOL, five new pups..you gotta
another whole job..I love my baby so much and so glad she is healthy
now!

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/dancin.gif

[Lanascountry]

If yal find ANY of mine you want..they are 'public domain" and I have saved
them for years..please help yourself and copy to your comp. :D

[mj-trading]

Everyone look at KAT'S & RON'S Picture on their threads! Nice PIC!
ONLY THING THO! IT LOOKS LIKE KAT MAY BE STANDING IN A HOLE!! :D:D:D:D

[katandron1]

Okay Okay, I admit it......I am actually 6' 5"......I stand in holes to make Ron look taller. It's really a pain walkin around all those holes in my living room floor too.

[Lanascountry]

Thas' a good one yal!!
Hey Mr J..how are you?? I been missin you! :D

Kat, I love that picture of you & Ron.,.Yal both sooo PURDY!! :)

[Lanascountry]

Bedside Manners :D

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[bumpers53]

Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice legs! Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[Lanascountry]

OH
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/bump.gif
THAT one was WONDERFUL!! :D

[bumpers53]

Granny's Carpool

A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Lanascountry]

:cool: That one is soooo cool!! :D

[bumpers53]

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".

[bumpers53]

Cross Eyed Dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet

[Lanascountry]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde beings to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground.... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the greeter. Sees her and unplugs the horse.:D

[Lanascountry]

Airline Announcements?

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it'!



On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '



'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

[bumpers53]

Passing a parrot
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

[bumpers53]

Visit the barber
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

[Lanascountry]

I LOVE that parrot story, Bumps!! :D

[katandron1]

I have a great sense of humor, and thought this was funny.
I know many of you men, as well as my husband, dad, granddad, and brother will also agree with this one.
It's okay, have your laugh, but we as women will retaliate!

New Seatbelt law....
This becomes effective JULY 1, 2008, in ALL states.

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below.......

Please pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj115/katandron1/fun%20stuff/seatbelt.jpg

[mj-trading]

THIS WAS PAST IN MN LAST YEAR AND ACCIDENTS WENT DOWN 99%!:D

[Lanascountry]

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

[bumpers53]

That one was worth a laugh and a big chuckle! Loved it.

[bumpers53]

While walking in the woods Douglas saw a young fairy who had fallen into the river and bravely dived in to rescue her.

In gratitude the fairy granted Douglas three wishes. He wished for a huge pile of gold, and ‘poof’ there it was.

Then he wished for a huge palace, again ‘poof’ and there it was.

Finally he wished he could be irresistible to all women.

There was a blinding flash, a mighty roar and ... poof - he turned into a box of chocolates.

[katandron1]

Moral of the story.....
Be careful what you wish for LOL

[mj-trading]

KAT SAID SHE IS NOT STANDING IN A HOLE IN HER PIC!! LOL! LOL!:D

[katandron1]

John, I can't help it if I am vertically challenged.
My momma made me that way ! LOL

[katandron1]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.''I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
Ain't nobody under there now !':D

[mj-trading]

That's the way to do it!
I took the beginning serious that YOU went there!
The More I Read Then I Knew It Wasn't You!


YOU WOULD NEED 5 TIMES A WEEK!! LOL! :D

[katandron1]

LOL yes I would need 5 times a week.
That's what happens when all your kids reach the teenage years all at the same time.

[katandron1]

Here's another one, I think it's clean enough for the forums LOL

A Small White Dot !!!!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find
out something exciting and relate it to the class the next
day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first
little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat
back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a
period,' he replied.

'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting
about a period?

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister
was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack,
and the boy next door joined the Navy.':eek:

[mj-trading]

LOL!! :D
Wait till you faint one day! I don't have to worry about that now! Just the Grandkids and there both boys so far!

[katandron1]

Of course I will faint one day, however, it had better be when Taylor is graduated from not only high school, but also college ! She wants to be come a meteorologist.

[mj-trading]

You tell Taylor, If she becomes a meteorologist,
IT WILL RAIN EVERYDAY! LOL!:D

[Lanascountry]

Mr J..That is the BEST picture you have put up yet!! I LOVE it..
Think I am still in about 1900!! :D

[bumpers53]

Out of Luck

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."


Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.


Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".


Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.


Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."


Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:


"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

[Lanascountry]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/birdswelcome.jpg


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.


After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.



When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side



When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"



"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.



"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.



"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."



The man gestured, and the gate began to open.



"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.



"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."



The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.



After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.



As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.



"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"



"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."



"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.



"There should be a bowl by the pump."



They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.



The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.



When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.



"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.



"This is Heaven," he answered.



"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."



"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hel*."



"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"



"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime, BRING your friends too!!

[DealsHQ]

two men at an airport. first man says "i cant find my wife" second says "i cant find mine either what does yours look like" he replies " 6ft tall, blonde , big breasts, long legs, stockings, mini skirt high heels and a boob tube.. what does yours look like" 2nd man replies "forget her we'll look for yours"

made me chuckle

[Lanascountry]

That is a great one Deals!! :D

[Lanascountry]

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.:eek:

[DealsHQ]

lol -- getting old and sexy --a man can dream

[Lanascountry]

I should have said that that was from Andy Rooney..of all people! :eek:

[Lanascountry]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/ATT005661.gif
A tourist is sport-fishing off the Florida coast when his boat capsizes. He can swim, but he is so afraid of alligators that he clings to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouts, “Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollers back, “they ain’t been around for years.”

The tourist breathes a sigh of relief and starts swimming leisurely toward the shore. As he nears the beach, he yells to the man, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber says. “The sharks got ‘em.”

[mj-trading]

On the Lighter Side...

Counting Goats

Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.


Useful Metric Conversions
1 million phones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

State Pride

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, 'You know, the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.' 'Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,' he observed.

Oops

An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office. 'Now,' he said to them, 'which one of you wants to go first?'

Window Shopping

Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else

[bumpers53]

WHY MEN LIVE SO LONG...

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so...

[mj-trading]

Accident Claims in England

These are some daft things whcih have been written on Insurance claim forms

'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.'

'I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.'

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

'I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind'.

'I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.'

'On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.'

'On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.'

'I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.'

'I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight'

'While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial.'

'Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.'

'The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.'

'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.'

'Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.'

'The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.'

'I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it'.

'I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way'.

'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car'.

'The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.'

'In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.'

'I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.'

'I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

'To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.'

'An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.'

'The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.'

'I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car'

'The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.'

'I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.'

[katandron1]

LIVING WILL


Last night my sister, and I were sitting in
The den and I said to her,


'I never want to live in a vegetative state,

Dependent on some machine and fluids from a

Bottle to keep me alive. That would be no

Quality of life at all... If that ever happens,

Just pull the plug.'



So she got up, unplugged the computer,
And threw out my wine.
She's such a b****.

[bumpers53]

katandron1 that was sooo funny! Loved it!

[mj-trading]

I Had A Dream last Night!

ALL ONLINE SELLERS ARE ALL GOING TO BE MILLIONAIRES SOMEDAY!:rolleyes:

[katandron1]

LOL Bumpers......Actually, that sounds like something I would be doing, not having it done to.

GREAT ONE John LOL

[bumpers53]

mj I sure do like the way you dream lol!

[mj-trading]

Misfortune
After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

[Lanascountry]

SUBJECT: DOG & CAT DIARIES



DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!



9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!



9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!



10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!



12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!



1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!



3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!



5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!



7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!



8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!



11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!







CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.



My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.



In an attempt to disgust them, I once again throw up on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bas* * * !



There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.



I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.



The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

[katandron1]

Job Opening.......

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were
done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't
kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.. Take
your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to
death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[mj-trading]

RESIGNATION
I am hereby officially tendering

my resignation as an adult. I have

decided I would like to accept the

responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think

that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud

puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than

money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and

run a lemonade stand with my friends on

a hot Summer's

day.

I want to return to a time when life was

simple; When all you knew were colors,

multiplication tables, and nursery

rhymes, but that didn't bother you,

because you didn't know what you

didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.

That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is

possible. I want to be oblivious

to the complexities of life and be

overly excited by the little things

again.

I want to live simple again. I

don't want my day to consist of

computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,

depressing news, how to survive more days

in the month than there is money in the

bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,

and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of

smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,

justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,

mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook

and my car-keys, my credit card bills

and my 401K statements. I am officially

resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this

further, you'll have to catch me

first, cause........

......'Tag! You're it.'

Pass this to someone and brighten

their day by helping them remember

the Simple things in Life.

[mj-trading]

What's in the Bag
Two hillbillies are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, 'Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?'

'Jus' some chickens.'

'If I guess how many there are, can I have one?'

'I'll give you both of them.'

'OK. Ummmmm, five?'

[mj-trading]

Here is 2 stories!

Presidential Accident
One day the president was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, 'Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.'

The first boy said, 'Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!'

'I'll personally hand it to you,' said Mr. President.

'I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos,' the second boy said.

'I'll buy them myself and give them to you,' said the grateful president.

'And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it,' said the third boy.

'I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!'

'No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.'

Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control pills.'

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?'

The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.'

The doctor thought some more and continued, 'How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?'

The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.'

[mj-trading]

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,
a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood l aughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. Why on earth did you do that to your little brother she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
We were just playing 'church' mommy he said, I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

[katandron1]

Got Milk?

I live on a farm and times are pretty hard as the area I live in is considered economically depressed.
It's so bad, that I've heard some of our neighbors were having a hard time making ends meet.

This morning, I woke up to hear a knock at the door. When I went to answer the door -- this is the sad sight that I saw.

It just about broke my heart...!! Please scroll down, to see for yourself...! !
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http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj115/katandron1/fun%20stuff/untitled.jpg

[mj-trading]

Don't Underestimate First Graders


1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

proverb kids answer

1.Don't change horses until they stop running.

2. Strike while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4.Never underestimate the power of termites.

5.You can lead a horse to water but How?

6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7.No news is impossible

8.A miss is as good as a Mr.

9.You can't teach an old dog new Math

10.If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust Me.

12.The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13.An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15.Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.A penny saved is not much.

17.Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18.Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19.Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20.There are none so blind a Stevie Wonder.

21.Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.A bird in the han is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26.Better late than Pregnant

[bumpers53]

Safe to swim here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

[Lanascountry]

GOOD one Bumps..see post 122. :D

[bumpers53]

OOPS, knew I heard it from somewhere but thought it was from email - boy is my face red now!

[mj-trading]

PIRATE

> > A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says,
> > 'Hey, I haven't seen you
> > in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
> >
> > 'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel
> > fine.'
> >
> > 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
> > before.'
> >
> > 'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
> > but I'm fine now.'
> >
> > 'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your
> > hand?'
> >
> > 'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a
> > sword fight. My hand
> > was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
> > really.'
> >
> > 'What about that eye patch?'
> >
> > 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew
> > over. I looked up
> > and one of them pooped in my eye.
> >
> > 'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird
> > poop ?'
> >
> > 'Well It was my first day with the hook.'

[Lanascountry]

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

[bumpers53]

Just loved the blonde joke! Can't wait to share it with my coworkers!

[bumpers53]

Grandma's Home

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your
grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

[katandron1]

LMBO bump......my hubby also lives at the airport, I go pick him up when I am ready for him to come home for a week. He lives there 3 weeks at a time. That was a good joke.

[mj-trading]

Legal Quotes
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"


Cheeky monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

[mj-trading]

Here is 4 Stories

Confessions
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”


Drugs Disillusion
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,”You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”


What is the Time?
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, 'Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?'

The patient calls back, 'One moment!' and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, 'It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.'

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, 'That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?' The patient holds up his wrist and says, 'I suppose I'd just look at my watch.'

Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.'

'Oh, he didn't kill himself,' Mr. Haroldson replied. 'I hung him up to dry.'

[mj-trading]

Mistaken Identity
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, 'I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?'

God replies, 'Sorry, I didn't recognize you.'


Chicken Farmer
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

'I think I know where I'm going wrong' he tells the dealer, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

[katandron1]

Now this is D.O.T. sense of humor LOL.
Hope you can see it, I can't resize it.



http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj115/katandron1/fun%20stuff/small_499167.jpg

[Lanascountry]

Hard to believe they would really put that up, huh..??
Hahahaha..you may lose your job today..what a riot!! :confused::D
Goofy things even in Atlanta where folks don't NEED to even
be reading signs..(gets pretty dangerous at times).

[mj-trading]

Subject: Computer problem
>
> I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11
> year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and
> asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.
Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
>'No I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little ?

[mj-trading]

Family Vacation
The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

'Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,' answers the principal.

'Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,' replies the voice.

'Well, what seems to be the problem with him?'

'We are all going on a family vacation,' says the voice, 'I hope it is all right.'

'I guess that would be fine,' says the principal. 'May I ask who is calling?'

'Sure. This is my father!'

[mj-trading]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home hesuddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls overto a toy shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in thedisplay window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have:Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbiefor $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and DivorcedBarbie for $265.95' The amazed father asks: 'You what?! Why is theDivorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and..... one of Ken's Friends

[mj-trading]

Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.


Three Little Pigs Went To Dinner
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

The third piggie says, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, 'When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!'

[mj-trading]

Blind Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!' The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! 'The pastor said, 'Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The engineer said, 'Why can't these guys play at night?'

[mj-trading]

AT THE BEEP...

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a 'sexy' message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

[mj-trading]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics.

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off
PS - One benefit that could come out of it is when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' and be instructed how to fix your car yourself!!!!

[katandron1]

LOL I love it John, that was a good one.

[mj-trading]

Be about it too!

[mj-trading]

CHECK THIS OUT! SAFE LINK!
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation With Wish For Unlimited Wishes

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/child_bankrupts_make_a_wish_0?utm_source=EMTF_Onio n

[DiMoraGifts]

AT THE BEEP...

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a 'sexy' message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.




Funny:)
My Favorite one is ....

Hello? .... Hellooo? .... Hello? Is anyone there? .... Oh ya I'm not here, Leave me a message.

[DiMoraGifts]

These are all soooo funny. Brightened my day! Now back to the drudge work.


http://i519.photobucket.com/albums/u360/ealasaid88/avatar_6301.gif

[Lanascountry]

GOOD one MrJ..I want that for my phone too!! :D

[katandron1]

My fav is the avoiding someone I don't like, leave a message, if I don't call back it's you LOL

[BathandBody4You]

#2 for me also! Those were all great though! Actually we always have trouble with our phone line, especially when it rains. It hasnt been working for several weeks now and I've realized I really don't care!

[DiMoraGifts]

While walking in the woods Douglas saw a young fairy who had fallen into the river and bravely dived in to rescue her.

In gratitude the fairy granted Douglas three wishes. He wished for a huge pile of gold, and ‘poof’ there it was.

Then he wished for a huge palace, again ‘poof’ and there it was.

Finally he wished he could be irresistible to all women.

There was a blinding flash, a mighty roar and ... poof - he turned into a box of chocolates.


Perfect! Love this one:)

[mj-trading]

WD-40 (Well, Who Knew...?)
>
>
>
> I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one
> Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the
> sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke
> him
> up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure
> out what to do probably - nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was
> open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean
> it
> off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint
> job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?
>
>
>
> Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40
> that
> would hurt you.
>
>
>
> When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that
> has
> ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just
> as
> well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop. Voila!
> It's
> now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
>
>
>
> Here are some of the uses:
>
>
>
> 1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
>
> 2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
>
> 3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
>
> 4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it
> slippery.
>
> 5) Keeps flies off cows.
>
> 6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
>
> 7) Removes lipstick stains.
>
> 8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
>
> 9) Untangles jewelry chains.
>
> 10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
>
> 11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
>
> 12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
>
> 13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
>
> 14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
>
> 15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
>
> 16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
>
> 17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
>
> 18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use
> WD-40
> for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm
> the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
> Just
> remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
>
> 19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed
> quickly! Use WD-40!
>
> 20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast
> slide.
>
> 21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of
> handling
> on riding mowers.
>
> 22) Rids kid?s rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
>
> 23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them
> easier to open.
>
> 24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
>
> 25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as
> well as vinyl bumpers.
>
> 26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
>
> 27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
>
> 28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles
> for easy handling.
>
> 29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them
> running smoothly.
>
> 30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other
> tools.
>
> 31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
>
> 32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
>
> 33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
>
> 34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
>
> 35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
>
> 36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands and knees to relieve
> arthritis pain.
>
> 37) Florida's favorite use is: ?cleans and removes love bugs
> from
> grills and bumpers.?
>
> 38) The favorite use in the state of New York : WD-40 protects
> the
> Statue of Liberty from the elements.
>
> 39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures
> and
> you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper
> than
> the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in
> mind
> though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not
> allowed
> in some states.
>
> 40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away
> immediately
> and stops the itch.
>
> 41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the
> mark and wipe with a clean rag.
>
> 42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has
> washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the
> lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
>
> 43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would
> displace
> the moisture and allow the car to start.
>
> 44) Helps ?unstick/unclog? door and car keyholes.
>
>
>
> It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned
> feeling away and heals with NO scarring.
>
>
>
> P.S: The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
>
> P.P.S: I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove.

[mj-trading]

Summer Classes for Men at
THE
LEARNING
CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August22nd, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLE XITY
AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube
Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and
Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It
Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00
for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The
Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group
Practice.
Meets 4
weeks, Sa turday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences
Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory
Graphics.
Meets
Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They
Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and
Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losi ng The
Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support
Groups.
Meets 4
Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find
Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House
Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM , 2
hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your
Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions
When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location
to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible
To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2
hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Di fferences Between Mother and
Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location
to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping
Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
Meets 4
weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ..

Class
13
How to
Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important
Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy
Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday
at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and
How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM , location
to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas
will be issued to the survivors.

[mj-trading]

Customer Service
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.

[DiMoraGifts]

I'm Rolling on the Floor LOL!


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cus/e_1_64.gif (file:///C:/Program%20Files/FunWebProducts/Shared/Cache/SmileyCentralBtn.html#)

[katandron1]

Sounds to me like you got EXACTLY what you asked for ! LOL

[mj-trading]

Don't you go and start picking on me now Kat! I haven't picked on you all day!

[Lanascountry]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
Galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past Three in
the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , And we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumb as POST! Someone steal tent.'

[katandron1]

I thought of Roz and her soon to be retirement when I read this one.
Next time your havin a bad day Roz, and your thinkin of your retirement, also think of this guys bad day at work.

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . .If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.


Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial waterheater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit withwarm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn'tstick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[DiMoraGifts]

I Love my Job .... I Love my Job..... even when it is a jellyfish day! :D


http://i519.photobucket.com/albums/u360/ealasaid88/u10670796.jpg


Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.
Robert Morley

[Lanascountry]

Now that is a good one too, Di!! :D

'Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.'

[BathandBody4You]

This has probably passed thru here before but I thought it was cute.

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair , mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers..

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses..

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional
love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

[DiMoraGifts]

And then they have kids, and it starts all over again :D
IF I HAD KNOWN GRANDKIDS COULD BE SO MUCH FUN, I'D HAD THEM FIRST!!!

[mj-trading]

Recent Quips from Late Night

'McCain took a swipe at Obama. Did you see, in the speech? He said, 'I'm not running for president because I think I'm blessed with such personal greatness that history has anointed me to save our country in its hour of need. No, I'm running because my wife wants another house.' -Bill Maher

'Should we be nervous about a man who preaches against wasteful spending when his wife is wearing $300,000?' -Jimmy Kimmel

'Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. because she's never been to the Deep South.' -Conan O'Brien


'McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar.' -Bill Maher


'John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go.' -David Letterman

'Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care.' -Jay Leno

[mj-trading]

Under 21
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 21 beers.

“Why so many?” asked the bartender.

“Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 21.’”

[mj-trading]

Ladies Man The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress.

'So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?' he crooned.

'Actually, sir,' she pointed out sweetly, 'for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around.'

[katandron1]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[DiMoraGifts]

Here's a funny little diddy for all who'll be sitting at church ....

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi

To visit my granny in her antebellum world

I'd run barefooted all day long climbin' trees, free as a song

And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel

Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in

the top

And when Sunday came I snuck him into Church

I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy

Hugh

When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk

Well, what happened next is hard to tell

Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell

But the fact that something was among us was plain to see

As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's

coveralls

Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!


Chorus


The day the squirrel went berserk

In the First Self-Righteous Church

In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula

It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival

They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!
********************************

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'

Some thought he had religion, others thought he had a demon

And Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms

He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his

britches leg

Unobserved to the other side of the room

All the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-you

Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee

But you should've seen the look in her eyes

When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs

She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me"

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress

She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush

with shame

She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most

attention

Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names


Chorus


The day the squirrel went berserk

In the First Self-Righteous Church

In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula

It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival

They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!
***************************

Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,

Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered

For missions in the Congo on the spot

Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred rededications

And we all got baptized whether we needed it or not

Now you've heard the bible story I guess

How he parted the waters for Moses to pass

Oh the miracles God has wrought in this old world

But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day

Is how he put that Church back on the narrow way

With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel


Chorus

The day the squirrel went berserk

In the First Self-Righteous Church

In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula

It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival

They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!


http://i519.photobucket.com/albums/u360/ealasaid88/squirrel03sm.jpg

[mj-trading]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

I like that KAT!
Your one glitter banner isn't on anymore said it expired! Is that what you say too when the electicity goes off? It Expired! Forgot to pay!:rolleyes:

[Lanascountry]

YAL just need to BEHAVE!! :D

[katandron1]

I like that KAT!
Your one glitter banner isn't on anymore said it expired! Is that what you say too when the electicity goes off? It Expired! Forgot to pay!:rolleyes:

Does that mean that I'm expired too????:eek:

Well it took me a long time to know that those people actually wanna get paid for the electricity that me and my family use. :D

Imagine that, there truely is nothing left that is free in this world now is there.

[katandron1]

http://i519.photobucket.com/albums/u360/ealasaid88/squirrel03sm.jpg

Look, Di found another pic of bossman. And he's naked !!!!
Thought this was a family site, boss, put some clothes on.

[mj-trading]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm234/mjwjw2004/Banner-Amination/Squaril.gif
Being your putting pic's up of the Boss!
Here is Mr & Mrs Bossman

[Lanascountry]

And Mrs is the one doin the work!! :D

[katandron1]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas, TX. (Note location, it's important when you get to the end).

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing.

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don 't have a hangover?'

Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover,nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

Jim says, 'Yeah, well there's just one thing'

Bud asks, 'What's that?'

Jim asks, 'Have you farted yet?'

Bud says, 'No.'

Jim says, 'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver .'

[katandron1]

This one isn't really funny, but cute, and something to pass along.

God Saw you hungry & created McDonalds, Wendys, and Dairy Queen.
http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/pr01/ltr/i_safe.gif
He saw you thirsty & created Coke,
Juice, Coffee and Water.

GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.
http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/pr01/ltr/i_safe.gif
GOD saw you without a Good looking,
adorable , FRIEND.......... so He created ME http://gfx1.hotmail.com/mail/w3/pr01/ltr/i_safe.gif

Send this on to your good friends who are so lucky to have YOU for a friend also !!!!

[katandron1]

How to tell if you've been married too long.....



Three women: one engaged,

one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by surprising them wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask.




After a few days they meet
up for lunch and compare notes...

The engaged woman:
The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather bodice, stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life.
I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too!
The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice,
heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman:
When my husband came home
I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[mj-trading]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:



#You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and
two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What
do
you do?

.................................................. .........


THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's
Answer :


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

.................................................. ...............


Republican's
Answer:



BANG!


.................................................. ..........



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

[katandron1]

I would be a redneck on this one LOL

[Lanascountry]

I would definately be a redneck first and a republican
after!! :D (ONE MORE TIME!!)

[mj-trading]

I would definately be a redneck first and a republican
after!! :D (ONE MORE TIME!!)

Oh No! A Republican!
Were INDEPENDENT!

[Lanascountry]

NOT really funny ..but amazing!!

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1494875123/bclid1363192353/bctid1812184603

[mj-trading]

Motorcycle Ride
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, 'I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest.'

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer who lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, 'Are either of them showing any life signs?'

The farmer then said, 'Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way.'

[mj-trading]

Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

[Lanascountry]

EXCELLENT MrJ..MY sentiments exactly!!:p

[DiMoraGifts]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm234/mjwjw2004/Banner-Amination/Squaril.gif
Being your putting pic's up of the Boss!
Here is Mr & Mrs Bossman


LOL!!
I like this one MJ. Toooo Cute

[katandron1]

Retirement plans compared:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left out of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock, you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink heavily and recycle.
This is called the 401-Keg Plan

[katandron1]

For all the guys who can handle it, and all the ladies who need a good laugh and an idea.

Cute & hopeful.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the He** is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!' :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[mj-trading]

Degree Of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang


at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,


listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles


from here!' and hung up.


The husband said, 'Who was that?'


The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know


if the coast is clear.'





SECOND DEGREE


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the


sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror


and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'


The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'


So, the first blonde hands her the compact.


The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'





THIRD DEGREE


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and


buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the


door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really


angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is


overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.


The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'


The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'





FOURTH DEGREE


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.


She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'


A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'


The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'





FIFTH DEGREE


Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?


A: 'Is it mine?'





SIXTH DEGREE


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US


Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what


Roe vs. Wade was about.


Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision


George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware '





SEVENTH DEGREE


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house


ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and


reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,


and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.


As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde


ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then


sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come


home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do


they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[bamadog_8]

I saw this on our local radio station website today and had to share :)

http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/ee321/zanara_designs/vulcan_squirrel.jpg

[katandron1]

LOL Now that's a way to get members to join !

[Lanascountry]

Bessie & Clyde

Farmer Clyde, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the
accident?"

Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and
was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me and said, "And, how are you feeling?'"

[Lanascountry]

PROOF READERS NEEDED, STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!

“GO AHEAD ON” AND LAUGH OUT LOUD, AS TRUE SOUTHERNERS SAY.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This one I caugh t in the S-- Tribune the other day and
called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It
took two or three readings before the editor realized that
what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Hom icide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
-------- --------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
----- --------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***************** **************************
0A
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Duh????????

[rnrgiftsnmore]

PROOF READERS NEEDED, STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!

“GO AHEAD ON” AND LAUGH OUT LOUD, AS TRUE SOUTHERNERS SAY.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This one I caugh t in the S-- Tribune the other day and
called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It
took two or three readings before the editor realized that
what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Hom icide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
-------- --------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
----- --------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***************** **************************
0A
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Duh????????








That is exactly why I like to have other proof read my stuff!! So I don't end up on one of these boards, then laughing so hard that I start coughing.

[Lanascountry]

:o OR wet your britches.. :D

[Lanascountry]

Thread Bump, Please:)

[lamylouy]

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/10.gif

[Lanascountry]

Hey Lamb-Janie!! :D

[springsale]

Thank you so much, Mr. Rick!!
Are U a blonde too? did yah know MOST of the ladies here
are blondes..? (maybe a few white/platinums like me) :D
I needed that bit of kindness so much today, Rick..Thank you so much.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/lana-country/A-ICONS-GRAPHICS-MORE/puppy-bu-fly.gif



Hey Lana! Brunette here, with a few alien color hairs here and there. :eek:

[Lanascountry]

Hey Ms Donna.. LOL, it is so wonderful to see you here..
when I have a bit a time, I WILL be checking your auctions!!
Love you hon!!

Lana

[springsale]

Thank you Lana. The auctions are going up slowy, but coming.

[katandron1]

A woman recently received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. She tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, she was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. She shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, she threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and THREW him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.


Fearing that she hurt the parrot, She quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto her outstretched arm and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

She was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'


http://d21c.com/AnnesPlace/Thanks/HapThan.gif

[WRH]

Lol Lol

[Lanascountry]

OHHH Kat..that is WONDERFUL!! heheheh

[springsale]

Good one! :D

[katandron1]

Here's a good one......Feel free to try this one on your kids if they are grown and out of the house. It should work for most any holiday LOL.

Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before
Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is
enough.
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Denver and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like
heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You
are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. ' Okay.' he says,
'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way

[rnrgiftsnmore]

Thanks Kat, I needed a good hardy laugh!! That gave it to me.

Hope that you all have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow.

Roz

[Lanascountry]

Kat..THAT one is GREAT and so so true!!

[Lanascountry]

have a great day, all!!

[DiMoraGifts]

People are so worried about what they eat between
Christmas and the New Year,
but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas :eek:

[Home and Hearth Shoppe]

Something funny I heard...boycotting sellers from the other site...you know the one....are called Noise....so just call me JD's Noise1. Of all the adjectives to use, Noise is the funniest. Thank you to all the people responsible for making this site what it is today.

[mj-trading]

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm234/mjwjw2004/Banner-Amination/OBAMA.jpg

[mj-trading]

THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.
AMEN!!!!!

[mj-trading]

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

Proverb 1st Grader

1.
Don't change horses until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of termites.


5.
You can lead a horse to water but How?


6.
Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7.
No news is impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog ne Math

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.


11.
Love all, trust Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13.
An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is not much.

17.
Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than Pregnant

[mj-trading]

Your Driver's License Tells It All....too cute!!!
> >
> >
> > A mother is driving a little
> > girl to her friend's house for a play date.
> >
> > "Mommy," the little girl
> > asks, "how old are you?"
> >
> > "Honey, you are not supposed
> > to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
> >
> > "It's not polite."
> >
> > "OK", the little girl says,
> > "How much do you weigh?"
> >
> > "Now really," the mother
> > says, "those are personal questions and are really none of
> > your business."
> >
> > Undaunted, the little girl
> > asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> > "That is enough questions,
> > young lady, honestly!"
> >
> > The exasperated mother walks
> > away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
> > "My Mom won't tell me
> > anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> > "Well," says the friend,
> > "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is
> > like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> > Later that night the little
> > girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are
> > 32."
> >
> > The mother is surprised and
> > asks, "How did you find that out?
> >
> > "I also know that you weigh
> > 140 pounds."
> >
> > The mother is past surprised
> > and shocked now.
> > "How in heaven's name did
> > you find that out?"
> >
> > "And," the little girl says
> > triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
> >
> >
> > "Oh really?" the mother
> > asks. "Why?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "Because you got an F in
> > sex."

[enchantddoll]

Got these in an email recently:

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
*these are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school distric. Spellings have been left intact*

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school; please excs's john being absent on jan. 28. 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing party.

8. Megan could not come to school todaybecause she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diare dyre direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Iriving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. Se wpent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She wa in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11 - 16. because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[DiMoraGifts]

http://i43.tinypic.com/2a8s4zb.jpg


Love this one, ... could it really be true??

Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diare dyre direathe the shits.

Although I could see myself in this one. LOL What?? It's Monday?!!?:eek:
Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.



Very funny but a

Pretty sad commentary on our society.

and we wonder what is happening to young people today??

[cellphone3]

very funny ,thanks !

[Lanascountry]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun

in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:



"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."



He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere

and then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter,







"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!





We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.





What was all that about, anyway?"





The Indian smiles and proudly says ..





"Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.:D

[Lanascountry]

Ode to a Spell Checker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

[InspirationPlus]

LOL. That's the best one I've seen regarding spell check. Guess nothing in this world is perfect. :D

[InspirationPlus]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic
was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for
delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in
New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the
great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an
iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and
were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the
loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a
National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this
day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and
is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

And now you know where the name originated!

:eek: That was bad.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

[InspirationPlus]

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"


God Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!

[katandron1]

My Darling Husband:

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the
small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too
much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

¯
¯
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj115/katandron1/1241994747.jpg


P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[hope102289]

.................................................. ....................http://i582.photobucket.com/albums/ss267/janeshope/00714.gif

[InspirationPlus]

These are real notes written by parents in the (name of city left out) school district. I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyreadirea the runs.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irene was absent yesterday because she missed her bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[springsale]

Good ones!

[rnrgiftsnmore]

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.


'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
"I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

[InspirationPlus]

LOL! Where was that doctor's office?

[InspirationPlus]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a
big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my
dress size, you dope!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[InspirationPlus]

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored
cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

[rnrgiftsnmore]

I have often wondered...

Why do drive on a parkway, and park on a driveway?

Why is there braille on the drive up ATMs?

[InspirationPlus]

Women will understand this ;)

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed'.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk, wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her 'night solution' & 'age fighting' moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'

'I'm on my way,' she said

She put some water into the dog's dish then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed'

And he did, without another thought.